Why aren’t we talking about how deeply lonely life can be?
Why, after all we have been through, is there a taboo of loneliness?
Why aren’t we talking about how isolated we can feel within our relationships or how disconnected we feel in a room full of people? Why don’t we talk about the rollercoaster ride we are on as parents? Or as daughters? Why don’t we talk about the whiplash of joy and disconnection we feel within close relationships?
Why don’t we talk about the will it takes to get out of bed when the molten feelings of grief or resentment flow through our bodies and harden into our souls?
As humans, we tend to look around at others and compare ourselves.
On one hand, other people’s lives appear more meaningful, more loving, or easier. We often look at other people and discount or minimize their hurdles. We downgrade their journey because it appears smoother and simpler than ours; they are blessed or lucky. We are not.
On the other hand, we often compare ourselves to those whose lives are filled with unimaginable grief or trauma; this makes us feel guilty for wanting more in our lives. We guilt ourselves for wanting more or wanting a life that is easier when so much pain exists in the world. We beat ourselves up for not being grateful enough.
This lopsided seesawing makes us keep our pain to ourselves. We don’t talk, we don’t share. In this day and age of hiding behind screens and smiles, we don’t have to share. We have the ‘luxury’ of faking it, of spackling over grief, worry, anxiety, loneliness, and shame.
A great misconception about past generations is that they were more self-sufficient than we are today.
They kept stiff upper lips. They did things on their own without the need for community. They made do without complaint.
To a certain extent, that is true, but there is another, more powerful truth: people shared and cared more actively in past generations. We connected more often. We simply were not as lonely. We noted a person’s absence at church or school. We were face to face with people at church, stores, work, and town, and we could look into their eyes and see pain. We picked up phones when they rang despite not knowing who was calling. We expected visitors would knock at the front door without announcing themselves. When a neighbor hit hard times, we knew it and collectively helped.
In previous generations, we could hear or see when a neighboring mom was stressed out. We could run over and help relieve her stress. Today, if we were to even insinuate a mom was overwhelmed and could use support, we risk being told to mind our own business (or worse!). We don’t always even know our neighbors, let alone know if they need help. It is isolating and lonely.
No one part of our life exists in a vacuum.
Every single person is a multi-faceted human being. One part of our lives affects all other parts. The bad news is that one panicky thought can derail us. Worries at home affect our focus at work. One failure at work can show up at home in our parenting or marriage.
The good news is that making one, even minuscule, step forward helps all aspects of our lives.
One small decision is all we need to make change our lives. We don’t need an overhaul. We simply need consistent, tiny action steps in favor of what we want and in favor of our future.
Consistently making small positive steps forward builds upon itself. Small, consistent decisions that support who we want to be or how we want to live have a compound effect.
Like earning interest on a high-yield savings account, daily actions compound.
An old story illustrates the value of taking small, daily actions. It begins with the question: Would you rather have a penny that doubles daily for a month or take a one-time cash sum of one million dollars?
If a genie appeared before you this instant and gave you a choice, would you take a magic penny today that doubles every day for a month, or would you choose to take the three million dollars and run?
Most people want the easy grab. They want to take the big bucks and run. Hard to deny three million dollars over a single penny, right?
But if you were willing to sit with the discomfort of taking the magic penny that doubled in value daily, your small and steady gains would make you far wealthier. That single penny doubling in value daily is the course to greater wealth.
On Day Five, you’d have a measly sixteen cents. You’d have to square your shoulders. Sixteen cents looks ridiculous compared to three million dollars! On Day Ten, you’d have $5.12. After a full twenty days, with only eleven days left, your magic penny would still only be worth $5,243.
All that sacrifice? All that positive behavior, and you only have just over 5K? It might look and feel a bit desperate, no? But hang in there. Small and consistent pays off.
On Day 29, you are up to 2.7 million dollars. Day 30, you finally see a payoff; your magic penny gives you $5.3 million! But wait! It isn’t until the very last day that your patience, willingness, ability to commit to yourself, and ability to resist instant gratification pay off big time! Your magic penny, your small, consistent compound effect yields $10,737,418.24!
Consistency over time is crucial.
If you are feeling out of sorts, lonely, or sad, try these five things:
- Cultivate more meaning in your life. Look around at your life, your relationships, your blessings. See if your daily actions align with your long-term vision for happiness. What can be tweaked? Can you connect more? Are you playing enough? What brings you joy? Are you honoring your values, goals, and aspirations?
- Be aware of how you move through life. Practice being aware of sensations in your body. Are you always on edge with someone? Are you constantly biting your tongue? Where do you feel most free? Notice without judgment. Be a scientist, collecting data. How might people experience you? Could you tweak a tone of voice or habit? Could you reach out more often to people or prioritize yourself?
- Embrace authenticity. Allowing yourself to be more vulnerable and more authentic fosters deeper connections with others. It makes other people feel safe to take off their own masks. This gives us a profound sense of belonging which is a pillar of happiness and well-being.
- Practice self-compassion. If we treated ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we offer to others, we’d be much happier! Acknowledge your strengths and accomplishments. Be more accepting of your flaws. Embracing yourself, warts and all, cultivates resilience, inner peace, and a deep sense of self-worth.
- Commit to acts of generosity. Making a conscious effort to contribute to the well-being of others helps us feel better, too. Align your resources of time and skills with your values and passions. This nurtures a sense of purpose, meaning, and interconnectedness that will calm your inner gremlins.
In a world of disconnection, loneliness, and comparison, we have a choice.
We can reconnect slowly. We are not powerless. Like a penny that doubles every day, small and steady actions, consistently made over time, is how we will find well-being and greater happiness in life. This effect will spill into all areas of our lives, at home, at work, and even in our minds.