Listening to experts or influencers bang on and on about self-care usually triggers me. 

Far too many people are out there spewing easily digested, generic self-care techniques. For someone who is drowning under the weight of responsibilities, who might be dealing with varying degrees of disconnection or trauma, or for those whose nervous systems won’t be calmed with quick fixes, this one-size-fits-all self-care can make us feel like we are failures. Popular self-care quick fixes often make us feel more stressed out and less in control of our lives if the self-care doesn’t work. 

The unpopular yet powerful truth about self-care is that one should use caution when consuming self-care ideas. That includes my ideas, too! We need to start a Self-Care Revolution, one where each of us decides what works, what we have time for, what we like, and what we can afford.

Influencers these days often focus on grooming, expensive vacations, or, God help me, yoga. I’m not anti-yoga, I’m really not. But if one more stressed-out woman tells me she needs to ‘take up yoga’ to soothe her anxiety, I’m going to scream. Guess what? Buying the mat, shoehorning expensive classes into an already crammed schedule, feeling terrible about yourself in yoga clothes, and comparing yourself to other, more advanced participants are unlikely to calm your nerves. It is possible that yoga might not be your best, most immediate defense in the war against anxiety and overwhelm. It is possible there are more effective, albeit unpopular, ways to self-care. Save the yoga for later when you’ve created enough calm and white space in your day to reap the benefits of a daily yoga practice.

To get started, let’s remember the truth behind self-care. Self-care is self. care. Your self is different from my self. Your self differs from the Instagram influencer you follow or whose lifestyle you aspire to. For self-care to nourish us, we must stop comparing ourselves to others. Mindlessly doing what other people do might make us feel worse, setting us up for feelings of failure. Wine in front of a fire, solitude, or facial masks might not work for you. 

Quick fixes may give temporary relief, but they do not help with the root cause of stress. 

Self-care for me looks like not eating my feelings; self-care for you might be eating two bagels with cream cheese. Self-care for me may look like completing a task I’ve been avoiding; self-care for you may look like a trip to Bali to recover from a grueling year. Self-care for me might mean gentle stretches first thing in the morning; self-care for you might look like training for a triathlon. Bubble baths never ease my stress, but they might make you feel better.

Regarding the self-care revolution, know this: You are the only one who truly knows your heart and soul. You know what is true for you. Self-care should be based on the honor system. You are a grown, fully formed, unique person. Don’t let anyone tell you what will make you feel whole and at peace. You get to decide what you need.

Powerful, mood-altering, life-giving self-care requires introspection. Go beneath the superficial things that make us simply feel good temporarily. While we all could use a moment of zen, transformation and more permanent peace will probably come from something deeper. 

Needing some inspired acts of self-care that work to transform your life?

Here is a list of thirteen acts of self-care to inspire you. What might work best for you today? What might feel good tomorrow? Get creative, and don’t worry about doing the thing that everyone tells you you need to do. Self-care is for you and yourself. 

1. Do the thing you’ve been avoiding: Is it a conversation you’ve been dreading? Would creating healthy boundaries help? Ending a toxic friendship? Sometimes, facing what we’ve been avoiding will free our souls in the long run.
2. Make the time. If you’ve made a habit of denying yourself the things, the people, the experiences, the food, and the places that make you feel alive, make the time. What’s the point of giving away every moment to others if you are constantly depleted? Don’t be a victim of time. Go for a walk, attend a concert, visit with friends, prioritize friendships, create something, or take a nap. Make time for you.
3. Stop putting yourself down. Replace those seemingly harmless comments with empowering thoughts. Our thoughts become actions, and our actions become our lives. If your schtick is ‘I’m always a run-down mess,’ it becomes your reality. Try self-talk that feels more open-ended, like, ‘People love me just as I am,’ or ‘I have lived through every day of my life because I’m strong and resilient.’
4. For the love of all that is holy, stop comparing yourself to others. It is none of your business what other people are doing! It is none of your business what other people think about you! Your business is to show up authentically, wholly, and to make a life for yourself. Period. Be better than you were yesterday, and you’ll live without regrets.
5. Reevaluate guilt. You haven’t been perfect; you’ve hurt people. Guess what? You’re going to let people down again. Dragging self-loathing around with you is unhealthy. Guilt is healthy when it helps us make amends and become better people. Ruminating guilt is destructive because it keeps us stuck. Apologize, make amends, and change your behavior. Then move on. 
6. Take the compliment. It is downright rude to deflect compliments. Would you knock a gift someone is handing you to the floor? No. Because that would be rude. Compliments are the same thing ~ a gift. Say ‘thank you’ and then stop. It won’t kill you to accept that you have beauty and worth! Train yourself to hear the compliment and drink it in. Compliments are gifts. Accept them. Also? It makes others feel valued because their gift is being graciously accepted.
7. Explore mind-body techniques to enhance the mental, emotional, and physical aspects of your life. Tapping, Somatic stretching, visualization, art therapy, walks in nature, aromatherapy, breathwork, massage, and nutritional therapy are not always placed at the top of the self-care lists. Consider what might work for you. Often, there are free or affordable ways to help us feel more grounded. 
8. Make a decision. Wrong decisions can be righted. Indecision robs us of our agency. Self-trust comes from doing. One of the most powerful things one can do is to make our own decisions. If you suffer from indecision, start making small decisions and work yourself up to larger ones. Be the boss of you. Life is short; don’t allow yourself to be a victim of indecisiveness.
9. Upgrade your digs. This doesn’t mean you have to buy a new house or all new stuff. Sometimes, it simply means decluttering or reworking what you have. Sometimes, it means taking a moment to free a drawer that is jammed or wiping down a dirty light switch plate. Loving your stuff is medicine for your soul. Your house doesn’t need to look like a glossy mag, but it needs to elevate you. 
10. Dump toxic people. Nuff said. Dump them. Spend increasingly more time with people who elevate or challenge you in a positive way. Join the club, meet for coffee, and smile at the stranger. You are not trapped with people you’ve outgrown. You have choices. 
11. Be curious. Being curious about people, places, and things is a great way to spend a life. Let your curiosity take you places you wouldn’t normally go. DM someone who interests or inspires you. Email an author or an artist you admire. Go to a class. Invite someone to lunch and ask them about their story. Watch documentaries. Go to concerts. Visit museums. Being curious gives us an opportunity not to judge and not take things so personally. Curiosity keeps us connected without taking everything personally. Curiosity is expansive.
12. Thank someone. Everyday. By note, email, text, in person, in graffiti, whatever. People love to be thanked. People yearn to matter. We crave being valued. Thanking people reminds us that people are good-natured. It helps us feel gratitude. Thanking people keeps us connected. Thankfulness is tremendous self-care.
13. Check your mindset. It is just as easy to believe things will be okay as it is to allow yourself to be terrified of life. Mindset matters. Gut check how you feel after you watch the news, binge TV programs, or scroll mindlessly. When you identify and limit what is zapping you of your power or what is low-key creating anxiety or what makes you spiral into comparison, you feel so much better. This isn’t about creating toxic positivity. This is about listening to your body and giving your mind a break from what worries it.  

Self-care is deeply personal. Self-care that truly relaxes you and your nervous system might take more thought than you think. The above is only a small list of ways to take care of yourself. 

For lasting peace, think outside the bubble bath box and start your own self-care revolution. Go deeper. Dabble with different ways that will honor and empower yourself, your journey, and your life. Create rituals that are unique and inspiring for you and you alone.