You mean well, but are your actions doing more harm than good?
Is there anything more gut-wrenching than watching someone you love suffer with deep sadness and depression? You want to help, but sometimes, well-meaning actions can do more harm than good. In this post, we’ll explore 6 ways to help your friend overcome sadness and seven common mistakes to avoid so you can offer genuine support during tough times.
When tragedy hits, we want to believe we’re the “good friend” who rises to the occasion by giving love and support. We want to help, but so often, we fumble. We get it all wrong, say the wrong thing, and do the wrong thing, and in the final analysis, it seems we’ve done more harm than good when helping someone deal with sadness and depression.
When a close friend died recently, leaving behind a wife and four teenage children, I found the insensitivity shown to them by ordinarily kind and caring people completely shocking. No one intended their callous behavior. Maybe they were nervous, or perhaps they were ill-prepared for witnessing raw emotions on display. Still, in their stumbling to make themselves feel less uncomfortable, they made a difficult situation far worse for the grieving family.
So, the next time someone calls you for comfort after a significant loss or heartbreak of some kind, here’s how to ease their pain without adding to it and avoid making matters worse:
1. DO NOT talk incessantly about yourself.
This is not the time to discuss your vacation plans, financial worries, or your child’s recent trip to the doctor. When in doubt, say nothing. When combined with a hug, silence is faultless and considerably preferable to insensitive babble.
2. DO NOT act like a martyr.
Sweeping in with a clipboard of things to do, acting like a heaven-sent cruise director is degrading. Instead, quietly tidy a bathroom, take out the garbage, or collect empty plates and cans without acting put out by it.
3. DO NOT overstay your welcome.
Whether it is two hours, two days, or two weeks, look for non-verbal cues that your friend needs you to leave. No grieving family should feel obligated to entertain, transport, include, feed, inform, or consult you.
If you must stay with the grieving family, make their lives easier while in their home and give them privacy.
4. DO NOT hijack someone else’s tragedy.
Your feelings of pain or grief over the situation should not overshadow that of the immediate family (or the person most directly suffering). Reflect the family’s emotional needs from moment to moment, whether with humor, a listening ear, or a hug.
No matter how lost you may feel, forcing the family to nurse your grief adds to their misery.
5. DO NOT create a social media circus of sympathy.
Sharing obituaries and details of services on social media is appropriate. Over-sharing and using someone else’s tragedy in an attention-seeking, “like-my-post” way is NOT! If a family has asked for privacy, respect their request. Do not post details. Do not boost your ego by insinuating that you know details (and are, thereby, in the ‘inner circle’) but are not sharing those details out of ‘respect.’ If you post on social media, keep it loving and memory-driven. Social media shouldn’t be used to garner attention or likes.
6. DO NOT utter the words, “All things happen for a reason.”
To imagine that their lives will be better off because of a devastating loss or traumatic event is inconceivable to someone who is battling sadness. This phrase is like shrugging your shoulders and saying, ‘Welp, whatever. Get over it; it was meant to be.’ Even if you believe everything happens for a reason, don’t say it. I have never known a soul who has been comforted by this phrase. Keep your belief in your head.
7. DO NOT infer someone can be replaced.
No one can be replaced — not a child, a friend, or a husband. It is shockingly insensitive to suggest a spouse can remarry, a couple can just have another child, or that children can substitute their father with a close family friend or uncle.
So now that you know what NOT to do when helping someone deal with sadness and depression after loss if you still feel compelled to support your friend, here are 6 fail-proof ways to help:
1. DO bring food items.
Make sure they can freeze, in case they’ve already received a monsoon of casseroles.
2. DO bring beverages.
A lot of them: water, comforting teas, soft drinks, but think wisely before deciding to offer alcohol in a time of despair. And don’t forget, there is great comfort in a takeaway gallon of hot coffee.
3. DO bring paper goods.
These include tissues, toilet paper, and paper plates. Unless a death or unforeseen tragedy coincides with a recent trip to Costco, most homes are not ready for the influx of sniffling, hungry guests.
4. DO spearhead an activity that occupies a varied group.
The best games are simple. You’d be surprised at how welcoming a competitive game of Old Maid becomes when multiple generations play it. Consider going for a walk. Or getting loved ones together to help memorialize a person, like planting a tree together, or supporting the family’s healing, like creating prayer blankets.
5. DO respect the requests of the family.
If they request privacy, please grant them privacy. If a family member chooses to remain alone or nap, do not assume they would prefer to speak to you.
6. DO remember that people remember how you make them feel, not necessarily the exact words you use.
The most soothing thing you can do for someone dealing with sadness is to provide love today, tomorrow, and years into the future. Time does not heal all wounds. Time changes lives, and people adopt a new normal. Nurturing a friend with consistent love is the best way to support a friend as they move forward into a new normal.
If you’re looking for more insight on supporting loved ones through life’s challenges, check out this post on navigating life’s messiness and embracing the beautiful chaos. It offers a fresh perspective on finding beauty amidst difficult times.