Most of us long to be the best we can be.
We are seekers. We listen to therapists, coaches, gurus, and girlfriends. We strive for growth. Confidence. Peace of mind. Contentment.
Anyone who has revved up their spirituality, personal development, mindfulness, yoga, healthy eating, or exercise routine has probably bumped into the dark side of enlightenment: avoidance. The official term is Spiritual Bypassing.
Spiritual bypassing is when we practice only the upbeat, happy, positive, sunny, and Instagram-worthy aspects of spirituality or personal growth and avoid uncomfortable feelings or unhealed wounds that can also guide us to answers, wisdom, growth, and/or healing.
Skipping ‘negative’ feelings is a shortcut, and a steady diet of shortcuts rarely adds richness and authenticity to our lives. Taking shortcuts is unlikely to bring lasting happiness.
When we only allow ourselves to feel ‘happy’ feelings under the guise of soul-searching or enlightenment, we miss the point of growth and healing. Avoiding ‘negative’ feelings like loneliness, pain, heartbreak, confusion, and anger bypasses wisdom and healing. We need discomfort to grow. We need to feel angry or disgusted with ourselves or the world occasionally. No one changes themselves, their community, or the world when everything feels bright and sunny. That is not how change works. We make changes when we are uncomfortable.
We confront, walk away, grieve, start over, and/or begin anew when we grow tired of feeling ‘negative’ feelings. Avoidance is toxic to our long-term happiness because it keeps us from taking healthy risks, adopting new perspectives, and taking action toward change. In a society that only wants to hear ‘Good Vibes Only,’ our growth, long-term security, joy, and contentment are at risk!
Society and social media have led us to believe that something is wrong with us if we are not always happy.
” Good Vibes Only ” is a dangerous message. When we bypass uncomfortable feelings, we miss a deeper, more profound understanding of ourselves, the world, and the great powers that be. It is in the discomfort that we clarify truths, deepen our resolve, fine-tune our problem-solving skills, create a sense of trust in ourselves, and even a greater power!
It is alarmingly easy to allow spiritual practices to trap our egos.
It is terrifyingly easy to believe that you are superior to others because you eat the right foods, you do yoga, you meditate, you recycle, you run, you sacrifice, you are more refined, you dress better, you read the self-help books, you love creatures big and small, you are zen even during rush hour with an asshole driving in front of you slowly with his blinker on in the passing lane. The ego thrives on evidence we are better than everyone else. The ego thrives when we convince it we are happier than everyone else or our way of doing things is superior. Our egos are happily bamboozled into believing that if we pretend to be happy, we are happy.
Faking happiness for long periods, pretending ‘good vibes only’ is optimal, is spiritual bypassing. It is not personal growth.
Walking away from complicated (but not necessarily toxic) personal relationships is alarmingly easy if we always want to feel good. Faking happiness is often more palatable than feeling vulnerable and exposed. Working through conflict or change is challenging. It is easy to act selfishly, blame others, and refuse to accept responsibility for yourself when you can default to the notion that ‘the universe is perfect’ instead of examining, owning, and changing your behavior and, thus, your life. Blind confidence feels more empowering than considering the subtle and sometimes powerful messages of self-doubt.
Spiritual bypassing allows us to feel more important, more inflated, more committed, and more dedicated, and certainly, it makes us feel more in control. But avoiding ‘negative’ feelings does not make us wiser, more compassionate, more connected, or happier.
Feeling the feels is where real growth happens. Feeling the feels, all the feels, is how we ultimately feel happier. Feeling ‘negative’ feelings help us make changes, quit jobs, move on, have tough conversations, ask for what we need, and change our lifestyle.
It is alarmingly easy to bury ‘negative’ emotions like anger, disgust, self-doubt, and even self-loathing to maintain ‘high vibe.’ Thinking only positive thoughts can be dangerous. Good Vibes Only keep us from addressing problems in our lives, our work, our communities, and the world.
Pain and anger are high-quality motivators.
We are built to feel ‘negative’ feelings. All feelings deliver much-needed information about right and wrong, good and not-so-good in our lives. ‘Negative’ feelings can be life-saving compasses, pointing toward change and, ultimately, a more meaningful life.
I like a good spiritual bypass just as much as the next person.
I possess a Golden Ticket, a Get Out Of Jail Free Card of bypassing: I ‘have’ to be high vibe because my work depends on it. No one wants a buzzkill for a life coach, right? So, I habitually look on the bright side. Sometimes, I find myself with a proverbial paintbrush, frantic to paint my world pink. I, too, can be inclined to take toxic shortcuts.
My instinct is to avoid negative feelings, hoping the universe will gift me a perfectly scheduled time and place to feel them appropriately. Sadly, life has yet to present me with the spare time to conveniently grieve, rage, or express other ‘negative’ emotions. Without prioritizing my pain, these feelings have no choice but to pile up. I, too, can become a poster child for Spiritual Bypassing.
It is important to be aware and notice when we feel unmotivated, have trouble sleeping, or endure appalling self-talk. We need to notice when we feel flattened, unempowered, and unenlightened. We must take note of those times when we hardly recognize our reflection in the mirror or we are flirting hard with an existential crisis.
Are you avoiding grief? Avoiding difficult conversations? Avoiding new ideas that could upset the apple cart or upset people close to us? Have we buried the unsettling feeling of being taken advantage of? Are we sacrificing ourselves to keep the peace? Is spiritual bypassing, feeling ‘less than’ because we are not feeling positive, keeping us stuck?
Want to avoid spiritual bypassing?
- Cancel a few commitments and make time to feel. If you got a flat tire on the way to work, you’d find the time to fix it. Make time to feel what you’ve been avoiding.
- Rip the f*cking lid off Pandora’s Box. Commit, guilt-free, to riding a wave of low vibe.
- Stare down disappointments, conflict, or pain. Dig deeper to understand the hurt and what you can do to mend the tear or heal the wound. Strive to accept things that cannot change.
- Allow yourself to grieve. Grief encompasses all aspects of loss, not just death. Unprocessed grief expands in our souls like used Brillo pads. Grieving takes time, sometimes a lifetime. Sometimes, you can find a hint of relief from acknowledging that some pain will morph and change throughout a lifetime. Those sad vibes are just as valid as the cheerful ones.
Our goal is not to unpack and live in negativity.
The goal is to remain curious and in awe of life. Spiritual practice is not for looking good on social media or controlling your life. Spiritual practices help us gain meaning and understanding, connect deeply with others, and feel more grounded. Spiritual practices also help us feel bursts of gratitude and joy. Spiritual practices ease our energetic load and move us to a deeper connection with ourselves.
By navigating today’s stormy waters without shortcuts or bypassing pain, you’ll be a stronger and more proficient navigator tomorrow. You’ll be wiser. Maybe even able to help guide more people through their stormy seas.
Meditate. Be zen. Be tolerant. Bike to work. Be a vegan. Recycle. Go to church. Do yoga. Place the crystal. Talk to angels. Hug trees. Read the self-help book. Hire the coach.
Remember, sometimes life gets messy. Be willing to get dirty.
Dark and light, shadows and sunshine, that is what makes up a meaningful life. We cannot bypass the dark if we are genuinely seeking the light.